I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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