So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
