How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
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