last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
