you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
