I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
