I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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