I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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