I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
