Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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