if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
