Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
