3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Farmville is her only friend.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
