If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
