im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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