i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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