I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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