remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
