We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
