My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
