I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
