where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
