I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
