Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
