I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
