I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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