i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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