I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
