Will you blow on my dice?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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