i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
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