i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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