1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
