apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
