Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
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