I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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