I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
