woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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