woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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