You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
