This dress was meant to end up on your floor
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
