You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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