ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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