I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
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