my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
