So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
