I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
as a side note pls kill me
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
