I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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