Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
