I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
