you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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