turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
