I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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